Food is great, but when it’s your life, it can become a burden. Like anything in life, there are its ups and downs. This is not a negative posting, but merely a look at the topics most bloggers don’t talk about. Because the truth is my stomach is f*cked up, my eating habits have gone to shit and I’m no longer the skinny thang that I used to be.

FOOD BLOGGING PERSONAS, CHARACTERISTICS, AND TRUTHS:

The One-Upper/Know It All. You know this person. They went to the newest restaurant on opening night. Scratch that, they went to the newest restaurant on “friends and family night”. They’re friends with the chefs. They’ve already been to that restaurant. They’ve already written about it. They’ve already tried that obscure ingredient. They may even stalk a celebrity or two. Where can I find a specific type of burrata? They know. Annoying, yes, but useful, loads. If you can get past their extreme narcissism and snobbiness, they’re golden. Like enemies, keep them closer than your friends. Hey, you may even get a free meal out of it.

The belly craze. I’ve seen this as a growing trend amongst bloggers and regular folk alike, and they all show it proud. To support this truth, many of the peeps I follow on Twitter have quoted the following: “I’d rather eat to my heart’s content than to be forever caring about my weight. Who cares about skinny when fat tastes so good.” A small food belly gives you street cred i.e. I eat a lot, therefore, I know more about food than you. It’s a nod to the old world notion of gigantic belly = immense wealth.

Indulgence happens frequently. Indulgence and gluttony are mundane human urges. Writing about food naturally feeds the beast. While the non food person saves indulgent cravings like burgers, truffles, and say 25 year aged balsamic vinegar for special occasions, it is common for food people to eat this on a regular basis i.e. about 3 times a week. Indulgence is believed to give you food cred.

Unhealthy eating is normal. If you’re practicing the art of indulgence, it is likely that you are not eating the healthiest of things. Foods that scream indulgence: chocolate, foie gras, quail eggs, pork belly, truffles. Food bloggers eat out a lot (more on this a few sections below). The food trends lately gear towards the overindulgent and fatty. How many restaurants have pork on their menu? Just to name a few in Miami: Sakaya Kitchen, Sugarcane, Blue Collar, Pubbelly, Gigi. Don’t forget that food items on restaurant menus include a higher use of oil, etc. and that portions are larger. And of course once you begin the pattern of unhealthy indulgence, it’s difficult to imagine your life without it. And while the piece of kale that’s staring at you from the kitchen counter is mighty tasty, nothing fills the void like a deep fried oreo cookie.

Stomach issues galore. Gastritis, irritable bowel syndrome, diarrhea, oh my. Did I mention the heartburn of a 50 year old male and distended stomach-osis? After awhile, you begin to resemble a Pepto Bismol commercial.

Weight gain is inevitable. News flash: Unless you’re that freak of nature that eats like an elephant and never gains weight, you’re going to gain weight. Bloggers are invited to countless previews, tastings and dinners in a week. How many they accept depends on the person, but statistically speaking, the average blogger receives 5 invitations a week and accepts 2-3. Moderation helps, but when that PR bitch is giving you the evil eye because you haven’t finished the last scrap on your plate, it’s hard. Sometimes I think PR people are in cahoots with the mafia.

Food jadedness. There’s this food jadedness: How many times can you really eat pork belly or foie gras in one week? And this food jadedness that makes you sound like a foochebag: “Oh, I can’t fathom having another glass of the Chateauneuf du Pape or another slice of Jamon Iberico.” And sometimes it’s sad because you don’t get excited about things like you used to. In relation to the story of Santa, it’s like finding out that the burger you love so dearly is made with pink slime. And then the extreme occurs (especially after an especially large binge), where the last think I want to do is talk about food, think about food, even eat food. “Where’s your next meal going to be?” Leave me alone, I don’t want to eat anymore! But then you get over it and the cycle restarts.

Food is a strange and complex topic. On the one hand, it is essential for living, but on the other more than half of the world’s population suffers from hunger and have little access to it. For some it is a source of discipline, while for others it is a drug, a vice, an addiction. There’s food porn, food celebrities and the ones that only dine at fast food restaurants. Food brings people together and tears them apart. The extremists, the vegans, meat lovers, ethical, wasteful, newbies, indulgers, overeaters, food jaded, historians, Ferran Adrias. Food brings about wars and poetry, love and disgust, fear and enlightenment. Food blogging is merely a medium by which to express and experience it all.